Aus No. 1 This Week: Rihanna – S&M

Rihanna, my dear. You’re… I can’t…AUGH.

There are so many things I want to say to Rihanna. In my eyes, she has a lot to answer for. Yes, okay, she was the victim of domestic abuse. And no, she isn’t obligated to become the poster-victim for the whole thing. But I feel like she’s at least obligated not to have songs about how PAIN GETS HER PUSSY WET. It’s like a retroactive statement, “No, hey, guys, really! It’s okay! Yes, Chris Brown hit me and it was very wrong of him but TO BE FAIR, I immediately had multiple orgasms. Dude knows how to use a fist.”

Yes, I do know that it’s just a song and that singing about something doesn’t necessarily become you as a person, unless you’re a stalker like Sting. To be fair on Rihanna, there’s a fine line between enjoying S&M as a sexual practice consensually and being hit non-consensually. But it just feels like a terribly unfortunate coincidence, if nothing else.

In Rihanna’s favour, S&M is a catchy-as-hell club-inspired pop song. Would it have been as successful if it were about cookies? Possibly, but probably not. As I’ve ranted about numerous times before, sex sells. Since modern pop music is gravitating towards being an aural version of Backdoor Teen Sluts 9, there probably needs to be a point where I stop being outraged at the shoddy, “sexy” lyrics this shift inspires but UGH:

Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

I’m starting to wonder if Rihanna’s entire creative input into her music is made by her vagina, who has been directly or indirectly referenced in her songs so many fucking times that it has achieved sentience in the form of a generic pop music producer. This is the kind of song I expect from Ke$ha (except she would mention alcohol a LOT more). I want the Pon de Replay and S.O.S Rihanna back, honestly.

Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me, oh, you turn me on
It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for, give it to me strong
And meet me in my boudoir, make my body say ah ah ah
I like it-like it

“It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for.” So, the only thing you want in this life is a good, solid dicking every now and again? You don’t yearn for anything else, Rihanna? The song itself is a pulsing electro-pop banger, which are presumably words Rihanna would use to describe her sex. Hell, even the cover art for the single makes it look like she’s being photographed while someone rogers her silly:

Rihanna’s vocals are unimpressive here; she may as well be singing Only Girl all over again, but completely slightly more auto-tuned? Rihanna is officially some sort of fuckable android with a complimentary Fleshlight installed. It’s pretty fun to dance to this song in a club but as a standalone song it’s not very impressive at all, and is sorely lacking in lyrical prowess.

But thinking about all of this is fairly fruitless. As usual my opinion here is a needle in a haystack. As long as she’s making millions, I hardly think that Rihanna of all people is going to care about artistic integrity or credibility as long as she can still keep a straight face in interviews about her albums saying stuff like, “I’m really proud of this record, I feel like it reflects me as a person.”

To which I would respond, “So basically, your albums are like this photo (NSFW) printed out and with a jizz stain on it?”

Rating: 4/10


4 thoughts on “Aus No. 1 This Week: Rihanna – S&M

  1. Pingback: Review: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink to That) « Charting Pop

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