[in hallway of McKinley High]
Rachel: “EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY, I AM RACHEL BERRY AND VERY IMPORTANT!”
Random passing student throws a Slushie on her, deservedly.
Rachel: “WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD? LOOK AT ME, A PRETTY AND TALENTED WHITE GIRL IN APPARENTLY THE RICHEST PUBLIC SCHOOL IN AMERICA, AND I HAVE PEOPLE THROWING SLUSHIES ON ME. THIS MUST BE BECAUSE THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND MY OVERWHELMING PASSION FOR SINGING AND NOT BECAUSE I’M A HAUGHTY, SELF-IMPORTANT BITCH WITH THE KIND OF MOUTH THAT MAKES JULIA ROBERTS CONCERNED ABOUT HER CAREER.”
Rachel bursts into soap opera tears, and Finn enters.
Finn: “Hey, look, I know we’ve dated like…4 times before and we kept making out with other people for no real character-motivated reasons, but I think you’re totally smart and pretty and let’s hook up again.”
How’s THAT for an attention-grabbing title?
To explain this outlandish statement, I’ll firstly say that this is not a comparison I make simply to will.i.am. My theory is that, if you were to conduct an appropriate survey, Hitler would come out on top as the person considered to be the ‘worst’ or ‘most evil’ in history (the analogy still suits if you consider, say, Stalin or Pol Pot to be worse). Therefore, in all other areas of life, there must be something with which you can equate Hitler’s evil. For example, Josef Fritzl would be the Hitler of incest, Two and a Half Men would be the Hitler of television, George W. Bush would be the Hitler of Republican presidents, Glenn Beck would be the Hitler of fucking idiots, and so on, and so forth.
Thus, my hypothesis is that will.i.am has the highest magnitude of Hitlerness in music. This isn’t to say that he has committed genocide against an entire race of people killing millions ALTHOUGH I have yet to see any evidence proving this to be false!! What follows is my argument for will.i.am’s title of Music’s Hitler. If you happen to disagree with me, please feel free to rebut with another suggestion in the comment section!
I’m gonna do this on a weekly basis now, where I post an excellent pop song from the present or past, just as a little contrast from my usual bile-filled, vitriolic rants. Beneath this cold, uncaring exterior lies a real human heart, that I stole from someone else.
This week – Adele – Rolling in the Deep
Part 1 can be found by clicking here.
Exhibit D) Hinder
I think it’s worth making a point here that pop music is not strictly defined by the trashy pseudo-skanks I’ve mostly talked about on this blog. For a good part of recent pop music history, rock has permeated the airwaves with similar pervasiveness; and usually for the worse.
Hinder’s particular brand of “One Nickelback just wasn’t enough!” rock brought them a myriad of enduring popular rock hits, leaving them regarded fondly as one of the greatest, most critically-acclaimed bands of the last decade. I’m sorry, I think I just slipped into a fever dream for a second there. Lips of an Angel is an unbelievably horrible song. It sounds like what might happen if a wrestling champion was secretly uber gay and decided to turn one of the poems in his heart journal into a song.
Except for the fact that the song’s narrative is ostensibly (thanks to the film clip) telling us that this guy has a girlfriend but he calls this other chick because he really loves her which is really confusing because she has a boyfriend?
Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Hey maybe you two should break up with your respective partners instead of being colossal dicks and phone-fucking your ex? I mean you don’t have to listen to me, Hinder guy, but it seems like that is the thing that will stop this from sounding like a patriarchal ode to adultery. But anyway, beyond the douchebaggery, it’s just fucking LAME.
There have already been a lot of things said about Rebecca Black’s Friday after it took the internet by storm a couple of weeks ago. The best thing is probably the analysis of Friday as a radical text, which is such a sublimely written piece that probably nothing I could ever say would or could top it. Which is why I’ve decided not to give Friday a proper review like I usually would. Firstly, I’ll just give a brief summary of my thoughts on the song:
I’m a Friday apologist. The most oft-cited reason for its infamy appears to be how “bad” the lyrics are. The song itself, I would contend, is almost identical to any other pop star faff. With different words, Friday could easily pass as a Katy Perry song. I defy you to prove otherwise. I mean, sure, a line like “gotta have my bowl/gotta have cereal” carries the kind of insipidity you expect from an angsty 15 year old’s LiveJournal poetry, but in the end, does Friday really deserve any allegation of being the nadir of music? Here are some lines, stanzas and choruses from pop songs which are just as bad, if not far far worse, than those in Friday.