Feature: lyrics that are as bad (if not worse) than Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ (pt. 1)

There have already been a lot of things said about Rebecca Black’s Friday after it took the internet by storm a couple of weeks ago. The best thing is probably the analysis of Friday as a radical text, which is such a sublimely written piece that probably nothing I could ever say would or could top it. Which is why I’ve decided not to give Friday a proper review like I usually would. Firstly, I’ll just give a brief summary of my thoughts on the song:

I’m a Friday apologist. The most oft-cited reason for its infamy appears to be how “bad” the lyrics are. The song itself, I would contend, is almost identical to any other pop star faff. With different words, Friday could easily pass as a Katy Perry song. I defy you to prove otherwise. I mean, sure, a line like “gotta have my bowl/gotta have cereal” carries the kind of insipidity you expect from an angsty 15 year old’s LiveJournal poetry, but in the end, does Friday really deserve any allegation of being the nadir of music? Here are some lines, stanzas and choruses from pop songs which are just as bad, if not far far worse, than those in Friday.

Exhibit A) The Black Eyed Peas

The Black Eyed Peas the worst band in the world today. There’s my hyperbolic statement of opinion and I’m sticking to it. I’ve so far avoided reviewing a BEP song because the last time I wrote anything about them on a blog this outpouring of apoplectic hatred was the result. With Friday, at least there’s a clear narrative running through the song. You know that she’s been looking forward to partying ALL WEEK, and that in order to get to that sacred end-of-the-week celebration of freedom she has to go through the rigmarole of a daily existence. BEP songs, on the other hand, are the musical equivalent of mad-libbing crossed with Family Guy jokes. It’s like will.i.am was on A*mazing and every word he found in the maze he has to put into the lyrics. Seriously, LOOK AT THIS:

Yo, I got that hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow

That digital spit
Next level visual shit
I got that boom boom pow
How the beat bang, boom boom pow

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin’ my style
They try copy my swagger
I’m on that next shit now

HONESTLY WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT. I do plan to review BEP at some stage, when I will expand on my eminent theory that will.i.am is a reincarnation of Hitler. I’m only joking a little bit right now.

Exhibit B) Rihanna

Rihanna is a shocker for bad lyrics. Her songwriters (including the songs she has co-written) read like, well, I guess what I might expect someone Rebecca Black’s age to write if they had gone through puberty early, read Twilight too many time and become incredibly sexually frustrated because Edward neither exists nor will he ever love them enough to chew a baby out of their womb.

Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me

and

You have my heart
And we’ll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you’ll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can’t see shiny cars
And that’s when you need me there
With you I’ll always share

BECAUSE IN THE DARK, YOU CAN’T SEE SHINY CARS. Seriously. There’s no way that isn’t as bad as “tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards”. So apparently Rihanna is like, his guide dog or something? So he doesn’t bash his knee on his cars in the dark? I don’t even begin to know.

Exhibit C) Lady Gaga

This may seem like sacrilege to some of my less heterosexually-inclined readers, but yes, Lady Gaga is not always the AMAZING MOTHER MONSTER POP GENIUS OMGGGGGGGG she is now known to be. Her first album proper, The Fame, was rife with shitty lyrics and no song exemplifies this moreso than Lovegame.

I wanna kiss you
But if I do then I might miss you babe
It’s complicated and stupid
Got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid

Every time I hear this song, I burst out laughing at the “sexy cupid” line. It has to be one of the worst single lines in music history. But it doesn’t stop there:

I’m on a mission,
And it involves some heavy touchin’ yeah.
You’ve indicated your interest,
I’m educated in sex, yes.
And now I want it bad,
Want it bad.

I’m not entirely sure how it was possible to come up with a less comfortable way of saying that you have sexual experience than “sexually active”, but Lady Gaga managed it. Now I get all the boys by telling them that I’m educated in sex, yes. Well, you talk a big game Gaga, but I WANT TO SEE SOME CREDENTIALS!

Don’t think too much just bust that kick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

And yes, the song’s pièce de résistance! Even after all this time I still fail to see how my penis can be called a disco stick. I mean, it didn’t die in the 70s or have John Travolta star in a movie about it.

[end of part 1]

One thought on “Feature: lyrics that are as bad (if not worse) than Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ (pt. 1)

  1. Pingback: Feature: lyrics that are as bad (if not worse) than Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ (pt. 2) « Charting Pop

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