Exhibit D) Hinder
I think it’s worth making a point here that pop music is not strictly defined by the trashy pseudo-skanks I’ve mostly talked about on this blog. For a good part of recent pop music history, rock has permeated the airwaves with similar pervasiveness; and usually for the worse.
Hinder’s particular brand of “One Nickelback just wasn’t enough!” rock brought them a myriad of enduring popular rock hits, leaving them regarded fondly as one of the greatest, most critically-acclaimed bands of the last decade. I’m sorry, I think I just slipped into a fever dream for a second there. Lips of an Angel is an unbelievably horrible song. It sounds like what might happen if a wrestling champion was secretly uber gay and decided to turn one of the poems in his heart journal into a song.
Except for the fact that the song’s narrative is ostensibly (thanks to the film clip) telling us that this guy has a girlfriend but he calls this other chick because he really loves her which is really confusing because she has a boyfriend?
Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
Hey maybe you two should break up with your respective partners instead of being colossal dicks and phone-fucking your ex? I mean you don’t have to listen to me, Hinder guy, but it seems like that is the thing that will stop this from sounding like a patriarchal ode to adultery. But anyway, beyond the douchebaggery, it’s just fucking LAME.
Exhibit E) Ke$ha
I bet you never expected the modern-day Lennon to turn up on this list, which is probably why Ke$ha is on here instead. As I’ve said before, at least with Kesha there’s no expectation of a cerebral, lyrical tour-de-force. As much as I would LOVE her to, I don’t think she is going to release a concept album about the futility of modern existence in a world where privacy is a relic of a bygone era. Actually, now that I think about it, can we get Ke$ha to cover the entirety of OK Computer? PLEASE?!
Tik Tok is just the adult version of Friday. Seriously:
I’m talking pedicures on our toes (toes)
Tryin on all our clothes (clothes)
Boys blowin up our phones (phones)
Drop toppin, playin our favorite CDs
Pullin’ up to the parties
Tryin to get a little bit tipsy
Don’t Stop, Make it Pop
DJ blow my speakers up
Tonight, Imma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop, no
It’s honestly the same sentiment of “hooray it’s the weekend let’s party”, but with “and drink and be a whore” spliced in.
Exhibit F) Nickelback
Yeah, it had to happen. I can’t mention Hinder and not mention their musical parents. And I say parents because in this analogy Nickelback is in a twisted, incestuous, hermaphroditic relationship with itself but used Creed as a surrogate to breed because no documented hermaphrodite has ever had all the necessary bits to procreate with themselves, DUH!
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?
Until just now, I didn’t realise quite how stupid the lyrics to Photograph are. But really, what the hell IS on Joey’s head? It’s that kind of meaningful, existential pondering Nickelback are renowned for.
I wonder if it’s too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life’s better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn’t let me in
Hey, well, maybe you should? A high school education seems like it’d benefit you quite well, given some of the other songs you’ve made. Here, have a look at some of the other sonnets Mr. Kroeger has penned: S.E.X, Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) [yes, really], and probably the coup de grâce Something In Your Mouth, which is EXACTLY as bad as it sounds.
It’s also worth noting that seemingly every single song Nickelback has ever written talk about alcohol in some form or another, which indicates that maybe we’ve collectively been too harsh on Chad Kroeger & Co because both he and any listeners would need to be alcohol-poisoning-drunk to think that any of this music is good.
So there you go. Several examples of songs and/or artists with truly terrible lyrics that have gained renown despite the fact. Rebecca Black doesn’t deserve any hatred; as most know by now, the Ark Music Factory chump who wrote the damn song does. Her voice, often cited as people’s least favourite aspect of Friday, is really no worse than Katy Perry’s. Have you heard her try and sing Firework live? It’s a clusterfuck.
My point is, she deserves a second change. Rumour has it that she’s in the studio working on a follow-up single (apprehensions have been raised by the fact it will be called ‘LOL’), but who knows what she could do with a proper song written for her? Friday is a [very] simple pop song, just like, well, any Black Eyed Peas song, really. You can’t expect Bohemian Rhapsody from a 13 year old.
Although I would pay to see Rebecca Black cover it.