Feature: This Is What Glee Really Looks Like, Episode 1

[in hallway of McKinley High]

Rachel: “EVERYBODY OUT OF MY WAY, I AM RACHEL BERRY AND VERY IMPORTANT!”

Random passing student throws a Slushie on her, deservedly.

Rachel: “WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD? LOOK AT ME, A PRETTY AND TALENTED WHITE GIRL IN APPARENTLY THE RICHEST PUBLIC SCHOOL IN AMERICA, AND I HAVE PEOPLE THROWING SLUSHIES ON ME. THIS MUST BE BECAUSE THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND MY OVERWHELMING PASSION FOR SINGING AND NOT BECAUSE I’M A HAUGHTY, SELF-IMPORTANT BITCH WITH THE KIND OF MOUTH THAT MAKES JULIA ROBERTS CONCERNED ABOUT HER CAREER.”

Rachel bursts into soap opera tears, and Finn enters.
Finn: “Hey, look, I know we’ve dated like…4 times before and we kept making out with other people for no real character-motivated reasons, but I think you’re totally smart and pretty and let’s hook up again.”

Rachel: “OH FINN THAT’S SUPER NICE OF YOU BUT I’M TRYING TO BE MORE POPULAR BECAUSE BEING IN GLEE CLUB MAKES ME TOTALLY UNPOPULAR SO I’M BEING A SUPER SLUT AND FUCKING PUCK AND ALSO SAM AND KURT BECAUSE I FIGURE HE SHOULD STICK IT IN THE RIGHT HOLE AT LEAST ONCE.”

Finn: “Oh… Okay then. Well, Quinn is hotter than you anyway, so.”

Mercedes enters.

Mercedes: “MMMMmmm oh boy no you di’in’t! I about to get my 9 inch nails deep in to face if yo be dissin’ my girl again like she Mariiiiiiah Carey or some shit!”

Kurt enters.

Kurt: “My god, everything around here is so tacky, and I can say that because I dress like an extra in Gossip Girl.”

Mr Schuester and Puck enter at same time.

Puck: “Hey since I was sleeping with everyone else anyway I went ahead and hooked up with Mr Schue and I thought you all should know that his pubes look exactly like his normal hair.”

Mr Schue: “Hey guys, how would you all feel about a big orgy while we do a shitty Kidz Bop version of D’Angelo? Also, what happened to my wife’s baby? That was a thing, right? Does anyone care? No? Okay.”

Sue enters.

Sue: “Will, I really don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be proposing orgies on school property. At least ply them with drugs and alcohol at your house first and do it there. That redhead that looks like a surprised lizard can come too, I like the idea that she’d stay perfectly still the whole time except for occasionally spraying her minge with Windex.”

Mr Schuester: “Sue, please. It was only a joke. Except for the D’Angelo thing, we’re gonna ruin his music some time, it might as well be now. And you leave Emma alone, even though we had a whole will/they won’t they thing we only kissed that one time and now I’m part of officially the blandest couple on the planet with Gwyneth Paltrow, I mean, Holly, or whoever the fuck she’s playing.”

Quinn enters.

Quinn: “Hey everyone, nothing to contribute, just gonna look really pretty! Good work out there!”

Sue: “Do you actually ever lead cheers anymore? Why do you wear that uniform still? Why did you ever wear it in the course of the school day? And what about Brittany? Does she realise she has the exact same character and dress as her namesake in Daria? Has anyone else realised how unoriginal that character is?”

Mr Schue: “Sue, I get that you’re mad. But I know a song that will help you understand…”

They all sing a mash-up of Katy Perry’s ‘E.T.’ and Wings’ ‘Band on the Run’ because why the fuck not?

Kurt: “Since Sue and I are the most rational characters on this entire show (though we all know that’s not saying much), does anyone else think that the way we treat music is very fleeting and callous? I mean, Mr Schue, you’re using your phone to check what’s number one on the Billboard charts this week so we can sing that and make the most money from it. And every time we do one of those songs, we just end up sounding like all the Disney stars’ songs blended together into a steaming pile of inoffensive, banal crap. Like, even if no one else is, I’m sick of being auto-tuned. Rachel, the sound you manage to push out of that cavernous maw is pretty awesome, no matter how annoying you are. You’re like, a Broadway star in real life, right? Why does your (or anyone else’s) voice need to sound as processed as The Backstreet Boys’ did? I, for one, would be far more impressed hearing all of our natural singing voices with live bands as back-up, and unedited. It’d be so much more genuine and authentic and wouldn’t create that insurmountable show-audience divide because what kind of person would ever possibly think that this ragtag band of 20+-year-olds are a high school Glee club?”

Silence echoes as Kurt’s words fall on the ears of his hurt classmates/teachers.

Kurt: “I mean, we’re on right after American Idol. Would it not be a cleverer stylistic choice to have the show be about Glee clubs singing in a LIVE setting like they do on Idol so that the programs flow together better and make the tent-poling work a little better? I suppose it doesn’t matter when almost every song we do is released as a single. Last year there were a few that weren’t but as soon as we all got so popular it’s become pretty obvious that we’re just a cash cow now. Also, has anyone else noticed what RIDICULOUS stereotypes we are?”

Mr Schuester: “Shut up, Kurt. Jesus christ, you’re such a faggot sometimes.”

3 thoughts on “Feature: This Is What Glee Really Looks Like, Episode 1

  1. Oh it’s my fan-fiction episode in which Kurt hasn’t left McKinley High because that was a stupid storyline used solely to expand the Glee universe because they exhausted all of the narrative arcs based on believable character relationships in the first season.

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