You know, I’m all for nostalgia, but songs that remind me of 2007 are just a bit much. All the pop stars sound of the same ilk, because they’re all making the same kind of music that’s the ‘in’ thing right now. These kinds of pop rock bands are different, however. Where that Maroon 5 song has succeeded, Hot Chelle Rae fails. In fact, they pretty much set themselves up to fail when they chose that heinous name.
The song, Tonight Tonight, peaked at 7 on the Billboard charts, and currently sits at 11 in Australia after peaking at 7 here too. The band’s Wikipedia page informs me that their long, illustrious career has spanned from 2005 to now, which is remarkable, because they all look like they’re 17 years old. It also informs me that they have such creative talent that they came up with their horrid name like thus:
Hot Chelle Rae began in 2005, with a meeting between singer-songwriter Ryan (RK) and guitarist Nash. The band is named for the first “dedicated” fan, Chelle Rae, a MySpace stalker who provided the band with quite an entertaining era of online activity until her false identity was discovered and brought to light.
Frankly, I would never have fallen for such a ruse because I flatly refuse to believe anyone on this planet is named Chelle Rae, or at least, that anyone named that is even remotely attractive.
You can learn all you need to know about the band in a few ways:
- That name, that sounds like the name of the soup of the day at a dingy seafood restaurant that will inevitably give you food poisoning.
- The story of their name, that indicates that they think Hot Chelle Rae doesn’t just sound like the most poorly conceived nail polish colour.
- The following sentence – both its composition and content – from their Wikipedia page: “Hot Chelle Rae recently performed on a episode of So Random.”
- Their next album will be named ‘Whatever’. Like, you know, ‘Whatever’.
- Finally, and most importantly, their public image. This part deserves more than just its own number in a list, because there’s a hell of a lot to cover.
This is the cover of their first album, Lovesick Electric. IT KINDA RHYMES, YOU GUYS. You’ve got the guy on the left, who could probably pass for live-action Goku if he fell victim to a hair gel factory explosion. Then there’s the foremost dude, who honestly looks like every 14 year old from about 6 years ago. The second guy from the right, who is Chord Overstreet’s evidently less talented brother (Chord Overstreet is from Glee, and sadly, his brother’s name is not Clef, or Quaver. His name is Nash, and he grew up in Nashville! I WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THE IDEA). And then the drummer in the background who is what Aubrey Plaza would look like if she were a chubby teenage boy whose skull was apparently sanded until perfectly rounded and featureless. Oh and there’s the ugly tinting and the vague lens flare that makes them all look either jaundiced or like Twilight vampires.
Now, to be fair, this was two years ago. So they’ve probably matured and really evolved in their styling, right? So now they won’t, as evidenced in the above video, just look like a bunch of pissy little dicks who wanted to look like Julian Casablancas but had neither the New York grunge to pull it off, nor the wherewithal to hold themselves back from wearing faggy leopard print scarves and My Chemical Romance leather jacket castoffs.
The lead singer, in all his underage-looking glory, has this chest tattoo, naturally written in cursive:
Dream with my eyes open/Sleep when I’m dead/Love who my heart’s chosen/Conquer what lies ahead
Tell us how you really feel, am I right?
The song basically sounds like the direct offspring of Metro Station’s insipid Shake It. When your song sounds like a bad ripoff of that bad ripoff, you know you’re in trouble. In the clip, they all stand around in bad outfits and skinny jeans pretending to play guitar, but not even doing a good job of pretending. There are hooks in there, but too many? Moves Like Jagger was a finely-tuned hook delivery vehicle, whereas this is like the van from Little Miss Sunshine of hooks. And it’s not even a complex song. Far from it, in fact.
The lyrics are some of the biggest offenders. I mean, there’s some catchy guitar work. There’s also a lot of keyboards in the song but no one in the clip ever seems to play them. Someone does, however, carry around a ukulele at a children’s party because apparently these guys play kid’s parties? At least they know the only level of intelligence that would appreciate them.
I woke up with a strange tattoo
Not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket
And it kinda looks just like you
Mixed with Zack Galifianakis
HAHAH! REFERENCE! Maybe these guys are the Family Guy of shitty pop rock bands who are egregiously listed as ‘alternative rock’ by 14 year old girls on Wikipedia.
You got me singing like
Ohh, it doesnt matter
Woah, everybody now
Oops, guys, you forgot to fill lyrics in in this part. Sloppy! D+!
Just sing it like
Ohh, all you party people
Woah, all you single kids
Ohh, even the white kids
HAHAHA THEY’RE WHITE KIDS! AND THEY’RE MAKING FUN OF WHITE KIDS NOT BEING ABLE TO DANCE! META! SELF-AWARENESS!
We’re going at it tonight, tonight
There’s a party on the rooftop, top of the world
And we’re dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign
I don’t know if I’ll make it
But watch how good I’ll fake it
It’s alright, alright, tonight, tonight
The most annoying lyric is ‘But watch how good I’ll fake it’. Fake what? I need to know! This is a classic case of, “Let’s make a song about partying! Ok cool! Oh wait, there’s nothing substantial enough to say about partying to I’ll just fill it in with random crap that bears no relevance and makes me look like teenage girls’ comments on a party photo on Myspace circa 2005!”
Seriously, this band is a blight. Everything about them feels like its 4 years old, and yet here they are, plaguing our airwaves. All we can do is hope that this is the only song of theirs that gets noticed, because I swear, just looking at their name gives me hives.