Are we nearing the end of Bruno Mars’ whining spree yet? Between this new single It Will Rain and Grenade, the title of the World Biggest Pussy is pretty well and truly secured by Mars. This song is basically a soap opera break up distilled into song form. This guy’s popularity is really puzzling to me. He’s so vanilla. He’s basically if Jason Mraz were a bit ethnic and filled with sadness.
I mean, yes, he had those upbeat songs (The Lazy Song) but it’s clear that, now that this is a big hit and Grenade was before it, Mars’ signature style will be that of the heartbroken balladeer. But this is kitchen sink heartbreak. This isn’t the quiet, lovelorn subtlety of Bon Iver’s first album. It’s not the brooding intensity of The National. It’s not the slightly angsty, heartbreaking beauty of The Rural Alberta Advantage. I mean, you just have to look at the lyrics:
If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.
Oh my lord, sweetheart, calm the fuck down. Does he not sound like the clingiest motherfucker on the planet? “If you ever leave me baby, it’ll be worse than getting AIDS.” “If you ever leave me baby, I’ll slash my goddamn wrists!” “If you ever leave me baby, it’ll be worse than what Hitler did to the Jews.”
Wallowing is the least mature way of dealing with heartbreak possible. Actually this isn’t even wallowing, this is selfish melodrama of the worst kind. If she does leave you, maybe it’s because you whined like this? Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with “IF YOU LEAVE ME I’M GONNA DO DRUGS JUST WATCH!!!”
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain
So I guess the El Nina phenomenon can be attributed to Bruno Mars’ girlfriend leaving him? I really don’t understand this kind of hyperbolic sentiment. In Grenade, Mars described in detail how he would die for this chick but she wouldn’t die for him. I get that love is a strong emotion – been there, done that – but that kind of thing is both a) silly and b) impractical. In Grenade he is essentially saying, “I would commit suicide for you!” which is bizarre because suicide is often considered quite ignoble and, in the case of that particular song’s narrative, it wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever. Why does someone need to say they would die for you? Any one person can SAY that. See what happens when push comes to shove (off a cliff, or something?) and then you’ll be able to gauge how much this person loves you. Actions speak louder than words. A person can say over and over again that they’d take a bullet for you but when you get to it and they’re like, “Actually, no, I’m good.” don’t be surprised.
It’s worth noting at this point that It Will Rain comes from the Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 soundtrack, which is almost comically apropos. Of course this overblown lovey-dovey mopey song is soundtracking an overblown lovey-dovey mopey movie!
This song posits the idea that losing your “baby” (ugh) is the worst possible thing that can happen to you. And all I can say to that is, why define yourself by another person? Define yourself by your own actions. Define yourself as part of a couple, sure! But this? This is the stuff serial killers are made of. COME BACK, BABY. MY EYES ARE RAINING BUT I WON’T HURT YOU. Statistically, Bruno, you’re gonna find some other skank that you can write a pissy break-up song about. COOL YR JETS.
And also, like, why does rain have to be associated with bad things? I love rain. Rain is awesome. In ten years time when we’re suffering through a drought and crops are dying someone will have to say, “Ugh, someone go break up with Bruno Mars. Don’t be too harsh though, we don’t want a fucking flood.”
The song is a super boring maudlin ballad. Fitting that I have seen, regrettably, Breaking Dawn (and helped write a review of it which you can find by clicking here) and have zero memories of ever hearing this sadness turd. There’s some nice post-chorus guitar flourishes but other than that? Nothing notable or distinguishable.
Okay, so obviously I’m a suuuuuuuper cynic. But when you think about it? There are 7 billion people in the world who DON’T LOVE YOU. So…perspective.