Review: Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger (ft. Christina Aguilera, because why not?)

Presently sitting at number 2 on Billboard and ARIA charts (after previously hitting #1 on the Billboard), Moves Like Jagger is the quadrennial reminder that yes, Maroon 5 do exist. And they make music still! How cute! It also has Christina Aguilera in it, presumably a pairing borne of Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera working together on US talent search The Voice. So naturally, after spending so much time searching for said Voice, Levine has returned his band to success after – IF NO ONE ELSE WILL SAY IT, I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO – a bit of a SLUMP, quite frankly. For shame, Maroon 5. For. Shame.

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Aus No.1 This Week: LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

Just quickly, I’d like to say sorry for my lateness with this post. I’ve been meaning to get around to this for some time but I’ve been working on a very important project in collaboration with my couch and my television.

(NOTE: I am too lazy to find a non-Vevo, embeddable version of most videos, mostly because it is nigh impossible. I apologise for this, but I’m sure you’re all capable of right-clicking and choosing ‘Watch on Youtube’, or using YouTube yourself. I hope. I think this one should work, though.)

I’ve intended to cover this song ever since it hit number one. And really, I can’t say anything else before I talk a little bit about their band name. Yes, yes it is LMFAO. Yes, yes it does stand for ‘laughing my fucking ass off’. This is a real thing whose success people are facilitating. This is a real thing that has happened.

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Aus No. 3 This Week: Lady Gaga – Born This Way

I’m gonna get this out of the way early: I think Lady Gaga is probably the most skilled pop star we have right now. She’s conjured an image and a weirdly cult-like following from a range of fairly obvious influences out of nowhere. Many of her songs are atrocious – Just Dance, Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) and Lovegame to name a few – but many are average to brilliant pop songs, such as Poker Face and Bad Romance respectively. So obviously there was a mountain of anticipation for her new single (myself, embarrassingly, included). However, those hoping for a newer, bolder Bad Romance were disappointed. What we got was a fairly sub-standard, bland, generic pop song.

It’s no secret that Gaga dabbles in the “weird”. A manufactured weirdness, yes; she’s the hipster of pop stars, like a chick that wears a Peaches t-shirt but says in a university political science class that she “thinks feminism gets us nowhere”. Given that Born This Way (from here on referred to as BTW) is, to say nothing of how similar it is to a certain Madonna song, a pretty normal sounding 3 minute pop song, naturally the video has to be pretty batshit. So yes, you experience Gaga given birth to good and apparently presiding, goddess-like, over a world without prejudice or hatred or war or any of those awful things that only Lady Gaga’s music can stop apparently?

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Aus No. 1 This Week: Rihanna – S&M

Rihanna, my dear. You’re… I can’t…AUGH.

There are so many things I want to say to Rihanna. In my eyes, she has a lot to answer for. Yes, okay, she was the victim of domestic abuse. And no, she isn’t obligated to become the poster-victim for the whole thing. But I feel like she’s at least obligated not to have songs about how PAIN GETS HER PUSSY WET. It’s like a retroactive statement, “No, hey, guys, really! It’s okay! Yes, Chris Brown hit me and it was very wrong of him but TO BE FAIR, I immediately had multiple orgasms. Dude knows how to use a fist.”

Yes, I do know that it’s just a song and that singing about something doesn’t necessarily become you as a person, unless you’re a stalker like Sting. To be fair on Rihanna, there’s a fine line between enjoying S&M as a sexual practice consensually and being hit non-consensually. But it just feels like a terribly unfortunate coincidence, if nothing else.

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US No. 1 This Week: Bruno Mars – Grenade

Oh, my dear Bruno. Janelle Monae called, she wants her hair back; and 1990 just called me, requesting the immediate return of their joke. Duly noted. Although I now have a fair understanding of why he wears that insufferable Justin Timberlake hat.

A good old heartbroken R&Bish ballad, ‘Grenade’ is a pretty cool slice of modern pop. Except that this song is worryingly obsessive. I don’t think we need to really take anything he says here too literally, but expressing your desire to “take a grenade” for someone – an odd enough turn of phrase since grenades explode based on a delayed timer rather than upon impact, so the whole idea of ‘taking’ a grenade for someone doesn’t really suit as well as the old cliché, the bullet – is taking a bit beyond, “Awww, he cares about her!” and into, “He has a camera implanted in a novelty-sized teddy bear in her bedroom” territory. SEMANTICS!

Now, I know there’s no sense in over-analysing a non-existent linear thread between an artist’s two separate songs, but doesn’t this seem like a really hilarious single to come off the back of ‘Just the Way You Are’? From, “You’re like, really pretty and I don’t mention your personality at all because you’re like, really PRETTY” to, “You kind of suck but I’m like, toooootally in luuurve witchu gurrrl”. It’s almost like he discovered just a little too late that the hot chick was actually a massive bitch.

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AUST No. 1 This Week: Wynter Gordon – Dirty Talk

Okay, so here goes, my first post proper. I’m aiming to cover the top 5 this week in the U.S and Australia (2 songs a day); next week will be any new songs in the top 5, and any overlap will be covered by other songs in the top 10-20.

WEEK BEGINNING 17TH JANUARY, 2011

Well, I’ve never heard of Wynter Gordon before, and my immediate issue is with her awful, awful name. Bad enough naming your child after a season but then also the intentional ‘different’ spelling which simply makes it look like your parents were either a) dyslexic or d) drunk/drugged, depending on which spouse was deciding the name. BUT WAIT! It’s apparently just her stage name; her birth name, in fact, happens to be Diana, which is pretty and reminds me of Diana Ross.

The first part of this song that becomes apparent is that Wynter (every time I type that, I cringe) actually does have quite a good voice. She has a nice falsetto. It reminds me a bit of Kelly Rowland, i.e Beyoncé Lite™. The beat starts with some handclaps – and I loves me some handclaps – and dives straight into the chorus, which is usually a solid gameplan for most good pop songs. It’s clear that this song plays into the overdone pop music zeitgeist of the day, as soon as she sings the words, “I am no angel.” Ah. I’m so glad we have another pop song about being a bit of a slut! We really just don’t have enough of those.

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