Review: Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger (ft. Christina Aguilera, because why not?)

Presently sitting at number 2 on Billboard and ARIA charts (after previously hitting #1 on the Billboard), Moves Like Jagger is the quadrennial reminder that yes, Maroon 5 do exist. And they make music still! How cute! It also has Christina Aguilera in it, presumably a pairing borne of Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera working together on US talent search The Voice. So naturally, after spending so much time searching for said Voice, Levine has returned his band to success after – IF NO ONE ELSE WILL SAY IT, I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO – a bit of a SLUMP, quite frankly. For shame, Maroon 5. For. Shame.

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Aus No. 2 This Week: Jessie J – Price Tag review

Pop music is…a lot of things. Often terrible, but sometimes awesome. Sometimes used to convey messages about important issues, or messages about bitches and hoes (a lesser problem since President Snoop ‘Doggy’ Dogg took all of them in from off the streets). Frequently used for shameless shilling for a product or company, or used to kick dirt in the eyes of the same people. But pop music as a vessel for an R&B and reggae-tinged anti-capitalist jam? This one’s new to me.

As a song, Price Tag is, frankly, unremarkable. It breezes by on a fairly catchy, almost reggae-evoking guitar lick, an infectious vocal hook, some autotuned faux-harmony and a fairly stillborn guest verse from B.o.B. It’s vaguely anthemic in its build, and it’s probably a truer pop song than, say, the recent output of Rihanna or Britney mostly in the sense that it’s not designed simply to make ecstacy-using clubbers’ eye sockets rattle.

So why bring attention to this song at all? Well, it’s chiefly because its core message is so wonderfully ironic that it would make Alanis Morissette’s uterus explode.

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US No. 2 This Week: Katy Perry – Firework

Ah, we had to scrape the bottom of the barrel sometime, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be so soon…

(sidebar: I think I’m going to stick to using Vimeo where possible, it’s much simpler than YouTube)

Now I should state for the record that I don’t really hate Katy Perry. Hot and Cold? Catchy, enjoyable song. Um…Teenage Dream isn’t so bad either? Well it’s still not her I hate. But I HATE the living SHIT out of this song.

It’s Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ for a new generation of 14 year old fat girls who believe they’re going to marry Edward Cullen because he’ll see past their flaws when no one else will. The start of the song is innocuous enough until she references the only bad scene from American Beauty, which is actually the very first line, so it doesn’t stay innocuous for long. In then devolves into an array of analogies along the lines of, “Have you ever felt shitty?”

Presuming the depression of all listeners, Perry then reveals her true form as Queen of the Banshees. Her screech pierces the eardrums of all those who hear, instilling utter terror and shattering windows within a 10 kilometre radius. After some more vague platitudes she commands that ALL MUST BE FIREWORKS.

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AUS No. 2 This Week: Enrique Iglesias – Tonight (I’m Fucking/Loving You)

The song:

Apologies for using DailyMotion which also has shitty ads. Here is a link to the YouTube video because record companies suck butt and refuse to let people watch their artist’s videos in any context other than on YouTube where they can get ad money: here

I feel I was fairly kind yesterday on the number ones both here and in America. You might call it a honeymoon period, I don’t know. Perhaps a period of mild tolerance, but (because I’m trying not to spoil it for myself) I didn’t check what the number twos were after I wrote about the number ones. And to be perfectly honest with you, ‘number two’ is a damn good way to describe these songs.

Enrique Iglesias is enjoying a career resurgence thanks to some incredibly artificial, manufactured pop and the fact that he’s sexy and Latin. It’s a far cry from his previous biggest hit, ‘Hero’, which was about love and being there for his woman in her time of need and also how sexy he is. There’s really a lot of arrogant machismo underscoring his biggest singles, and ‘Tonight’ is no exception.

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