Review: Chris Brown – Don’t Wake Me Up / Chris Brown is a piece of shit

It had to happen sometime. I haven’t done a review proper of Chris Brown because, well, talking about the guy depresses me a little too much. He’s the horrible gift that keeps on giving even though you’re screaming for it to stop, for the love of god, just go away. I’ve never been a fan of the guy, but that instance of domestic abuse – and all the petulant, bratty, abhorrent behaviour that has occurred since – is enough to make me, and a lot of people, never want to hear from him again.

And yet he sticks around somehow. The US listening audience seems to have fairly roundly rejected him, and yet he still manages relative success here in Australia (this song particularly). Funnily, this is the fourth single to be released from the album ‘Fortune’ and, fun fact, that album isn’t actually out for another couple of weeks. So basically, all of the singles thus far have flopped so hard that they’ve had to release almost a third of the album before it even comes out. The performance of this album seems to be mirroring that of his 2009 flop ‘Graffiti’ rather than his previous effort ‘F.A.M.E’, whose most successful single – Look At Me Now – had the underlying message of, “Fuck off, I’m famous and therefore unaccountable for my shitty actions.” and the fun kicker in the lyrics of Brown saying “you faggots”, paragon of tolerance that he is.

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Review: Train – Drive By

Nothing at all weird about appropriating a term for a shooting someone with a gun – potentially killing them – to your weird, vineyard-centric romantic conquest. Nothing weird about that at all. Oh, Train. There are so many things heinously wrong about you I don’t know where to start. So let’s start at the beginning.

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Feature: The Black Eyed Peas’ will.i.am is the Hitler of music

How’s THAT for an attention-grabbing title?

To explain this outlandish statement, I’ll firstly say that this is not a comparison I make simply to will.i.am. My theory is that, if you were to conduct an appropriate survey, Hitler would come out on top as the person considered to be the ‘worst’ or ‘most evil’ in history (the analogy still suits if you consider, say, Stalin or Pol Pot to be worse). Therefore, in all other areas of life, there must be something with which you can equate Hitler’s evil. For example, Josef Fritzl would be the Hitler of incest, Two and a Half Men would be the Hitler of television, George W. Bush would be the Hitler of Republican presidents, Glenn Beck would be the Hitler of fucking idiots, and so on, and so forth.

Thus, my hypothesis is that will.i.am has the highest magnitude of Hitlerness in music. This isn’t to say that he has committed genocide against an entire race of people killing millions ALTHOUGH I have yet to see any evidence proving this to be false!! What follows is my argument for will.i.am’s title of Music’s Hitler. If you happen to disagree with me, please feel free to rebut with another suggestion in the comment section!

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